A topnotch site

Month: August, 2014

Blind trust through the driftwood of life.

When you first came into my world you were a muse of delight,
you inspired me to write,
Of the beauty I see,
Of the scars that are me.
You breathed light into the dark,
and dared me to reach up to the stars.
Your presence whispered in the shadows,
where the deep desire grows.
I connected with ease to the reactions of chemistry,
there lays,
always truth in desire,
And that i can trust,
The reactive words of lust.
And you do not lead the way,
Or tell me to stay,
Rooted to the spot,
You wander on ahead,
hoping instead,
That i’ll find my own way,
Intrigued by the prospect of play.
We can’t see our path,
it’s obscured from sight,
Sometimes clearing throughout the night.
I trust in the steps and not the journey,
I trust that as I grow,
The darkness will let go,
The path will clear,
As we get near,
And as we walk along
The battered trail,
I’ll succeed, i’ll fail,
I’ll learn,
And i’ll earn
Truth and trust
A lesson, that I know,
Is a must.


I’m sorry, that I am not sorry.

I’m sorry I could no longer bite my tongue,
I’m sorry, I went ahead and spoiled your fun.
I’m sorry you thought you’d have your cake,
and eat it,
I’m sorry I blew a fucking fit,
I’m sorry you don’t see my worth,
As you flirt with everything in a skirt,
I’m sorry you do not respect,
And for that, I hit eject.
I’m sorry you can’t have me,
When you asked to be set free.
I’m sorry,
I’m sorry you feel rejected,
I’m sorry, I feel disrespected.
I’m sorry you’re opting to sulk,
I know, its not the anticipatrd result.
I’m sorry that you thought you could,
Sorry that you thought you would.
I’m sorry it came to this,
It should have been bliss.
I’m sorry that I found my voice,
And made the choice,
So long after I should have.
I’m sorry,
Sorry, that I am not sorry for my angry words,
Sorry, that i’m not sorry for the girl,
Sorry, that im not sorry, I choose now,
To fight for me,
That i’m not sorry, that finally,
I was strong enough,
To set myself,

Getting back on my feet.

Another randon freewrite, sometimes it feels good to just simply write it all down and send it out into the world.
So, on Sunday i saw this great retail job advertised, fulltime, great job, interesting, working with people, and i thought, ok i could do that job. So i googled how to write a cv, an email cover letter and got too work. I couldn’t find a single word to write, so begged my creative muse to step in and help, and she did (thanks guardian angel!) I emailed it away, and thought ok, if i don’t hear back in four weeks, then they didn’t like my relaxed cv, i started the email cover letter with ‘I love people, and I love learning’ not very conventional, but sometimes you just have to let, you, spill onto the page. Well, the cv caught their eye, monday morning the guy rang me, in a panic i looked down at my phone, which was on silent (seriously, mr Tingle, you were the reason my phone was in my hand, had we not been ummm chatting, i eould not have seen that phonecall). So he asked me about my massive seven year gap in employment history, as a mum i know/ knew this would be a gap that haunted me. So I told him, I was pregnant, made redundant and made the most of it, I was a full time mum and studied for my degree. He then offered me an interview. I am sooii nervous, my last job I was head hunted for, the job before was a given because of my experience, the one before head hunted, which takes us way back to when I was 19, thats the last time I Had a proper interview. So i’ve researched the company, they employ based in personality, right now my personality feels very broken and out of sorts (your hubby wanting to get it on with a twenty year old has a way of doing that!). So i’m nervous, the interview is tommotroe morning, i want this job, i need this job, i need to get up onto my little fighting feet and prove i can cope, im a stubborn fucker and want hubby to know i can do this without him. I wany this job, but dear god i am scared!

Chaos of the active mind that never stops.

You should go,
I know,
You will go.
I expect it,
Anticipate it.
I am mere words
On a blank page.
You cannot stay,
I know this,
I’ve always known this.
I keep my distance,
because I know
that we are always
On the verge,
of your time
I expect it,
To just find you gone.
The distance,
Is growing
and a big part of me feels
Completely at ease,
As if it is,
Unravelling the way
It was and is supposed to,
But another part of me,
Is just waiting,
To find you gone,
For you to realise,
That this is wrong.
I should tell you this,
but how?
when i cannot find the words,
And we cannot find the time.
I trust all that you say,
But expect,
To find you gone,
Every day.

The dream-I watched you die. Flash fiction.

I watched you die. I stood back and watched as you stumbled, intoxicated. An early morning mist clung to our skin, damp and invading. The sun burning through, steam rising from the grey concrete. Everything was so grey, the sky, the road the path, you, me. You wern’t done flinging your anger at me and bitter words continued to fly amongst the tiny drops of wet, grey, air. I stopped and watched as you weaved between the invisible forces that you were battling. Each demon becoming stronger as you tried in vain to bat them away. Then it happened you lost your footing. You fell backwards. A loud crunch, followed by another and another as a pool of crimson blood formed on the grey concrete. So bright, I turned away, wondering if it were real. I listened as birds sang to one another from high up in the trees. Blood continued to spill out as your life ebbed away. My feet didn’t move, I wasn’t scared, or worried. I felt free, free from your bitter hate filled love, I felt the chains drop and my shoulders lighten as relief flushed through me. I watched you die and as your life ebbed away, I felt mine come back.

Tears of the sahara desert.

I’ve been thinking,
All day,
About the empty mass that is
Void of responsive emotions.
Nothing, not a thing,
No stray tear,
No heavy heart.
What if I am broken?
What damage have I endured to break the most normal human emotion?
Then I remembered.
The weeks I spent crying, sobbing, as my beautiful blue wedding dress, still settled in the wardrobe amongst the cob webs.
I remembered the ache that pulsed through my body, that first time,
my broken reflection,
When you still believed you acted without detection.
How many times can you break, how much pain can you take?
I’m empty, but not broken,
I cried these tears long ago, when tears still fell.
I’m strong, stronger,
I’ll not cry for your wrongs.

Separation of dischord.

So i’m just spilling my guts here, feel free to scroll past. I am officially, kinda, a single lady. After ten years.

Hubby came home drunk, again. He was rambling as always and i thought fuck it, let’s test the theory that drunk people speak the truth, so i asked him. ‘Are you texting a girl?’ there was a deadly silence that hung in the air painting a vivid picture of deceit. Finally he admitted it, two months, flirting and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to take it further. I already knew, it wasn’t a shock and i responded without emotion, ‘do you want the freedom to find out?’  ‘Yes.’ No hesitation, no thought, he knew his needs instantly. And there you go, without anger, or tears or bitter words we came to a resolution based upon truth, he has the freedom to explore his feelings, i have the same freedoms as he does. We will continue to live together, be mum and be dad, something’s will change though, the deceit will no longer cling to every word he says. This isn’t the first time or  the second or even third, but with each time he grew better at hiding it, this is clearly an issue for him to work through, i just don’t want to be the one that gets the rough side of it anymore. It might work, it might not, i wasn’t put on this earth to be conventional and rarely react the way people expect, so who knows perhaps living by our own rules we can carve something out this mess we have created.

Horizon at my feet.

I should feel something,
Anger perhaps,
or envy, loss even,
I should feel something,
I feel relieved,
Truth whispered on a tide of alcohol,
No more lies, truth, not pleasant, but truth at the very least,
truth without anger,
Without tears,
Without hurt,
just truth,
Truth between friends,
Truth based on mutual love, not in love, but love.
I do feel something,
I feel relieved, i feel free.

I want it all and more.

Banging, fucking, shagging, sex,   I want all of this, no, scrap that, I want more. I want to lay naked in a bed beside someone I trust, someone that I know will lead me to my limits whilst always honouring my voice. I want sex without feeling that is based entirely on…feelings.      And then I want more, more touch, more sex, more pleasure, more of the feelings that are created through the act of trust. I want sex, fucking, banging, pleasure, riding, shagging, doing, …..

Lies if the deceitful survivor.

I lie,
I lie everyday,
To myself,
To a world that doesn’t care for the truth,
To the people that have no time to look up and care,
I lie.
I lie so I may survive.
I cover myself in a sheer rainbow web of protection,
My lies get through,
Without detection.
I no longer go
Where lays only pain
And deceit, shame and maybe even blame.
I lie,
But I no longer look to myself for the reasons,
Of your descent,
I no longer cry tears,
For you to see,
I save them for the longest nights, when darkness covers me,
eyes closed my failures,
my inabilities,
my shame,
my dysfunction
Spreads through me in an abundance of pain that forces
The tears to fall.
I tell no one.
I let them come,
I don’t run,
I sit alone and let the pain consume me,
If only for a second.
I lie,
I lie,
I lie, so as that, I might survive, in a world
That does not see me.